you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
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I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Blew my mind.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
road rage
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever