My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
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The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer