My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
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Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
All generalizations are stupid.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
❤️🦆
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.