why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
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“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
The hardest thing Vision has to do
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant