judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
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TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
They’re called werewolves.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*