Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
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Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
my dad has had enough
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
handsome & gretel
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.