get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
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“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.