While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
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I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Not all heroes wear capes…
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
is this a threat
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.