Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.