YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
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[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*