Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
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We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I’ve had relationships like this
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Fun like a LinkedIn notification