This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
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Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.