12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
You Might Also Like
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.