I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
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Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Florida man
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.