I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
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My work here is done
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!