earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
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I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.