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assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami