You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
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{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”