What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
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true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger