ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
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God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
You can’t rush stupid.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Best spot.. 😅
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.