The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
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People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
🙂🙃🥹
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!