[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
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[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am