My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
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Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court