If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
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My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Come back with a warrant
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.