It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
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Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
m’lady
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok