“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
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Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.