When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
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Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Botany good plants lately?
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good