Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
me before I type out affect or effect
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT