Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
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Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.