[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
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ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.