When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
going to the ER y’all need anything
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!