I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
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you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*