I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
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I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
How all things should be taught/explained.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey