My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
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Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
*watches the world burn*
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet