“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
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a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
No regrets in 2018
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE