I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
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-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I love the honesty
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat