Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍