i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
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I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ