If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
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Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.