My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
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If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
uh oh
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Every photo I’m tagged in
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.