Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
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ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
I don’t hate children, just yours.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.