Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
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[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.