I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
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Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.