the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
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This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.