me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
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Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
This will never not be funny 😭
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.