Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
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People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
When the stylist spins you back around
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”