[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
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me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Acronyms got me like WTF?
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.