omg leave her alone
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How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear