Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
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Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”