If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
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Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.